After a week long hiatus as a part of recovering from my anxiety attack(s), I am easing into my regular life. I am tentatively starting to feel much more like myself, and I am doing my best to maintain an optimistic attitude as I get back into the swing of things. It isn’t exactly easy though. Although I am extremely grateful for possessing a fairly sunny disposition overall, there is fear in my mind unlike any I have experienced before.
Mostly my fear is related to feeling the physical symptoms of the anxiety, like shortness of breath and trouble swallowing. These tend to manifest themselves more strongly around mealtimes and now that I am back at work, lunch time feels especially fraught. I ended up writing in journal as I ate today away from my desk and called my husband for a brief chat after I was done and before getting back into the afternoon’s projects. Each day that passes does seem to lighten the mental load and I am hopeful that with enough time I can put this chapter behind me.
One thing that has significantly helped my mental state has been my grandmother’s condition which has steadily been improving. While she remains in intensive care going on four weeks now, many of the distinct issues that she was facing have resolved themselves or are close to resolving themselves. She has had a fantastic medical team and my parents unwavering physical support day in and day out.
Being advanced in age, the sheer amount of time spent in a hospital bed will undoubtedly require some lengthy physical therapy and there may be some other as yet unknown lingering effects from the critical nature of her condition but she is stable. That is what is most important now, and I can hear it in my parent’s voice when I call to get updates that they truly believe the worst is behind her, and all of us.
Looking ahead as this very stressful situation slowly sinks into the rear view mirror, I am starting to think about my next race. While I don’t know if I will ever do another 5K in July as that was utterly miserable, I really enjoyed the experience of training for a race, and having something so physically active to look forward to. I am determined to take some time off just to give my body and mind a chance to recover from the ordeal of these past few weeks but I can definitely see myself doing at least one more race before the year is over.
Since I’m not training right now, I have been contemplating other less intense ways to be physically active and my mind keeps going to the idea of getting a fitbit, to give myself a goal of a certain number of steps or minutes of physical activity to achieve per day. I know people who absolutely swear by them and others who only used them a handful of times. I’m just not sure if I were to get one if I would use it as I’m really averse to being told what to do, whether by people and especially a computer. I don’t want to spend the money if it’s going to end up in a drawer after a few months.
I already have an exercise three times a week goal on coach.me and while that gives me some motivation, it doesn’t seem to be quite enough to get me off the couch lately. I am not 100% sure if the idea of wearable technology is what turns me off, but I welcome any suggestions of gadgets that help with fitness goals that maybe aren’t worn day in and day out.