What You Need vs. What You Want

What You Need vs. What You Want

I’ve been thinking about this phrase a lot lately as I find myself into November not quite feeling the way I was expecting to feel. I am still dealing with my health issues, going on four months now which is definitely completely unexpected. What appeared to be a small hiccup in my otherwise pleasant existence has morphed into something completely different.

I’m not the same person I was four months ago as my health issues have forced me to really prioritize one aspect of my life over others in a dramatic way. It hasn’t been all bad. Gone are the days of binging on fast-food from the drive-thru after work. Unhealthy eating which I now see as a huge driver of where I currently find myself has been upended with a desire to only take into my body that which will nourish it instead of polluting. I’m 30 pounds lighter which is a  bonus yet I find myself not able to enjoy my slimmer figure as much I would have if I had lost the weight the old fashioned way.

While my body may be trimmer, it is definitely not operating on all cylinders which is an extremely difficult reality to face. Even though I consider myself an optimist, when no one can quite put their finger on the source of your troubles, it’s rather easy to develop a grim outlook. Some days are better than others but right now I would trade any number of them just to get my peace of mind back.

I’m doing everything I can to feel better and that includes focusing on what I need versus what I want. Like drinking coffee. Something I want so desperately, I asked my husband last week if I could just hold his cup of coffee in my hand so I could breathe the rich scent deep into my lungs. I also want to write regularly on here but that has been a struggle as well. Writing is such an outlet but when it feels like something you have to do because you’ve created an expectation in your head of what is considered desirable output then you’re in trouble. This is precisely where I find myself.

I don’t know if I can continue doing things just because it’s what I have always done. Flexibility is what I need more than anything and enough grace to allow myself to be flexible without feeling guilty. I’m going to do my best to operate under this premise for the foreseeable future as I will my body and mind to heal.

Embracing a new season of life is difficult. I wonder sometimes if my mystery symptoms of neck/check pressure and feeling like there’s a lump in my throat all the time wouldn’t have been resolved already if I was ten years younger or not in a pressure cooker environment getting my PhD. It’s human nature to what if ourselves. What if I don’t get better? What if I don’t find an answer soon? So many things I want to do but only have the energy to do a few, and sometimes not even the ones I really need to be doing in the first place.

It’s surprisingly easy to be patient with others, but with me that’s a whole other story. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that by embracing the most important things and leaving out as much of the stress-causing but still is kind of nice to do stuff out, I can reach a point where all is well again. Here’s hoping.


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