I almost didn’t write this post because I have been really quite depressed for the last two days. On Tuesday after my 5K, my mom called to inform me that my grandmother had been rushed by ambulance to the hospital with nausea and vomiting. A few hours later she called again to say she it appeared that she had pancreatitis and was being admitted for three days since she was in a lot of pain. Fast forward to today and while my grandmother is currently stable in the intensive care unit, she has renal failure, a swollen liver, and bowel obstruction all the while fighting an infection. She has been intubated and is undergoing dialysis and understandably my whole family is very shaken up.
I’m rather zombified since this whole ordeal started and every single phone call from them I am expecting the absolute worst which is a dreadful feeling to have. I feel so impotent being so far away, and even though I offered my folks to fly down and relieve them of some of the stress of being in the hospital, they declined for now. I think they feel that if I continue my normal routine then it’s a little less real, less alarming. As for my normal routine, well that’s been kind of shot. I have been going to work like usual but my heart is not there and I find myself becoming very easily distracted. I literally had to stop what I was doing this afternoon and pull out my journal and just start writing because I felt so incredibly overwhelmed that my chest was noticeably tightening. There’s also been a lot of TV, because that’s about all I seem to be able to muster the energy for in the evenings.
I know I’m in a limbo type of state just waiting for the other shoe to drop. There’s a part of me that is determined to be as optimistic as possible, especially when I’m on the phone with my parents, but the other part of me can’t help but feel extremely concerned at the potential outcome of this situation. More than anything I feel extreme helplessness, and I really wish I could wave a magic wand and just restore everything to how it was on Monday or early Tuesday. It’s extremely worrying to think of potentially losing a family member, something which I have been fortunate enough to not experience in over ten years. I haven’t really shared with anyone too much of what’s going on because we all have things we’re dealing with but I feel slightly better getting it out. I need to try to find a way to express my emotions in a constructive way and not feel like I have to be the strong one but it’s almost like I can’t help it because my parents are the ones there, on the front line so to speak, so it feels like it’s the least I can do for them. These are the times I really would like for there to be a system restore button in real life.