Being in the Emotional Space You Need Instead of the One You Want

Being in the Emotional Space You Need Instead of the One You Want

This has been a low key Saturday so far, which was exactly what I needed after the emotional roller coaster that has been this week. My normal routine has gone out the window. I realized today when checking into the app where I have different goals for the week (eating at home is one of them) that I hadn’t made a home-cooked meal since last Friday or Saturday. Even coffee in the mornings has been a strictly Dunkin Donuts affair. My husband has not been home a single night this week so far with working late, so there have been a lot of fairly lonely nights and sandwiches, lots of sandwiches. My kitchen is still not entirely clear from traces of last Sunday’s BBQ (drink tins are still in a corner, and I keep finding edible cupcake confetti). My motivation is understandably at an all-time low, but I am wondering if there are some changes I can make that would make it easier to not completely fall off the wagon like getting back to doing meal prep on Sundays. The ideal combination is the one that will allow me to expend the least amount of energy/effort and get the most results. Is it too much to want a home-cooked meal but not want to do it yourself? At least, I’m no longer feeling quite as guilty as I was last night.

Last night  I got a massage after work. I kept debating whether that was the right move after everything that has been going on with my grandmother’s illness and her being in the hospital. Thinking about my parents who are sleep-deprived and extremely stressed in the thick of it back home while I lay on a massage table and unwound just seemed wrong, and I almost turned around and just went home. I realized though that there must have been a reason why I felt such a desperate need to take care of myself that way since in the close to three years I have lived in my town, I have never gotten a massage until last night. I’m glad I didn’t deny myself self-care for the sake of some perceived familial solidarity in the face of this very tough situation with my grandmother because I felt much better once I left.

An update on her situation. I have been calling several times a day and while my grandmother remains in critical care, her kidneys are starting to function at a higher percentage and I’m hoping that this is the beginning of a road to recovery. She will be celebrating her 83rd birthday in just a few days and I spent this morning putting together her birthday present which I will send her soon. I truly hope she is doing much better by then and we can all enjoy that special day whether in person or via Skype.

It’s odd to have gone into the weekend completely free of any concrete plans due to the mental stress I have been under, yet I haven’t felt bored once today which is so unlike me. Giving me the space to be in the moment is very powerful and I really did need it. I’m grateful for today.

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